just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
