So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
