this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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