Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
