I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
