this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
