hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
FUCK WHALES
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
