I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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