When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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