saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
