is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
