yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
