im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Randomize
