Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
