I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
