Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
