you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
