I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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