So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
