I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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