I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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