if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
