you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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