you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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