so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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