just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
