we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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