im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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