census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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