Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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