he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
