My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
