Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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