How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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