i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize