Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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