cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
