Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
