I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
