So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
from now on my penis is your penis
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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