Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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