you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
