Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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