I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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