New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize