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Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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