ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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