Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
