Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
