My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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