ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
