I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
