seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
