Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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