sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
