someone threw a dead crab at me
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
