I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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