the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize