Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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