My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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